Finding Myself

Reflecting

Thu, 23 May 2013 21:16:00 -0400

Sometimes you do the sweetest things. Like cook dinner for me.But I don’t know if that’s something we are supposed to do for each other. I opened up soo much with you I tried to show you who I am hoping you would take me for the good and the bad. We been through a lot of things. I have did a lot of bad things and I admit that, but my intentions were not on purpose. Never in my life would I ever want to hurt you, but for some reason I think you don’t believe I will never hurt you because of the mistakes that I’ve made. I always try to recover from the mistakes, but I am human sometimes when I’m angry I say things that I do not mean. But you never forgive me. I forgave you when you insulted me, chastised me, and yelled at me like I was a kid. You took out your anger on me, but for some reason you do not see your mistakes. You think I am difficult, but I don’t see it. I just wanted to be treated nicely. And i know I haven;t been the greatest, but when I’m good I am good. I put my whole heart in it and I fall on my face. This would be one of the times.

Maybe we have tried to work this out too many times and it will no longer work. I admit Im in love with you and you are not in love with me. The things you say to me can be so hurtful, but I forgive you. Now I am tired. I am tired, yes I did wrong things, but so have you. Im hurt because I thought you changed and you did maybe I unchanged you and if that is the case then Im not right for you. I have to accept that no matter how hard I cry or how much I want this. Some things are meant to be. Just because you ;love someone doesn’t mean that person is right for you. Im not saying this should be easy, but this shouldn’t be this hard either. Maybe I will take all that you said and make me a better person for the next, Until then I will try to put you out of my head as you did me and move on. My friends told me to be careful and I didn’t listen. Ha. I always said he is special, but IDK anymore. I want someone to love me like I love them for once and not treat me wrong. Maybe its ME

From,

The girl with the Broken Heart

Lovely Hill But I also love with all my heart. I love you with all my heart I would give you my...

Thu, 23 May 2013 14:33:45 -0400

Lovely Hill

But I also love with all my heart. I love you with all my heart I would give you my all. I want to see you as happy as you make me. I dive in deep and don’t hold my breath and Sometimes I drown. (metaphor) lol.

And sometimes I forget to catch my breath forgetting to just breathe and not rush everything all at once.Forgetting to tell myself that great things take time and everything needs a foundation to build on. so it doesn’t crumble as soon as it is defeated. Which you have been PREACHING TO ME THIS WHOLE TIME. (ik ik)

I want this (us) soooo bad, but I realize and i know you realize that I have a lot to work on with myself, my past included. I see myself as loving and caring person and I want you to see that in me.

I want to be everything your heart desires. I want to work on myself for me so there can be a better US. Things that last doesn’t come easy. I want to and will continue to work on myself with you. All I can hope for is that You and I will work on ourselves so one day we can be an US, if God allows.

I say all of this to say I understand, it takes me awhile, but I understand. I hope you have enough patience with me as I do with you, I’m trying. I’m really trying and Its not all words. I will show you the finish product, you will see

Soooooo

Wed, 22 May 2013 18:54:58 -0400

All of my friends are telling me this guy isn’t good for me. I need a lot of reassurance or Do I? I mean every girl wants to be called beautiful and know that they are constantly on someone’s mind. That’s how its supposed to be. I want love, the felling of someone being soo adorned with me they can’t take their eyes off of me. I want someone to drop everything they are doing and listen to me even if I’m babbling, tripping, or being overly emotional. Lol Is that too much to ask? I feel like it is because I can’t seem to find it.

I believe I look for the good in everyone. Trying to find love and that person who adorns me like I adorn them. Feels crazy. Maybe I fall to easy. Maybe its best that I don’t fall at all. I just sit quietly and patiently. People long to be love. Here I am 21 years old and I am trying to find love. Maybe its not that I’m trying to love, I’m trying to find comfort. I put to much of myself in the hands of another person.

feelings

Fri, 22 Mar 2013 21:22:31 -0400

i’m feeling kind of upset and angry !!!!!!!!!! I don’t know why. Ehhhhh I feel like yelling. I want to release what I’m feeling out, but its like a huge block in my throat and my stomach. Oh how I’m sooo angry but IDK at what. Idk at what.

Photo

Sat, 02 Mar 2013 18:23:54 -0500

blackfashion: Aaron, 21,...

Sat, 02 Mar 2013 18:22:33 -0500

blackfashion:

Aaron, 21, MI

tyrellxavier.tumblr.com

tyrellxavier.com

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Sat, 02 Mar 2013 18:21:32 -0500

Photo

Sat, 02 Mar 2013 17:51:10 -0500

Photo

Sat, 02 Mar 2013 17:50:48 -0500

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Photo

Sat, 02 Mar 2013 17:01:07 -0500

I don’t like being around people too long because I feel like eventually they will think...

Sat, 02 Mar 2013 15:48:23 -0500

I don’t like being around people too long because I feel like eventually they will think something is wrong. I need to time to get myself together.

I think I’m only going to express myself on here. If I die someone lead people to this page...

Sat, 02 Mar 2013 15:32:41 -0500

I think I’m only going to express myself on here. If I die someone lead people to this page because obviously expressing myself to people face to face is pointless, you try to change, but society won’t allow you to.

Nights Like these

Sat, 02 Mar 2013 15:24:12 -0500

I haven’t drinked alcohol or smoked this week. I’m proud of myself. I’ve been on this new workout regimen. That keeps me busy. I’ve been obsessed with Losing weight or getting fit. BUT just because I didn’t do it doesn’t mean I don’t want to. I am still I don’t even know the word for it. Lol I feel alone, but I’m not alone. I’ve noticed myself drifting off lately, I never know how to fully explain what I feel. I don’t know what I feel, honestly. Its just blank. Like I’m just here. My friends ask me, “Am I ok?” all the time. I tell them YES, but now I really know I’m not OK. IDK maybe I’m just overreacting.

The bad Thing

Sat, 02 Mar 2013 15:22:59 -0500

The “bad thing” has came back, it never goes away. Its a shadow. I can’t make it go away. Its soooo big and dark. It tries to swallow me whole. Take me apart limb by limb. Its sooo intriguing that I want to go to it, but people are telling me NO, but mind wants to be submerge by its entirety. It will control me. The “bad thing” will take my life as if it doesn’t have its own. I cry outloud, by my cry is drowned by my tears.. There is no one,that can hear me. My face is emotionless, it can be read. I stumble on my thoughts and try to figure out the cause of this such unhappiness. I try to fix myself, but The Darkness starts to claim me again. It has me as its slave in shackles. I am bound to it.

Expression

Sat, 02 Mar 2013 15:19:51 -0500

get your tea cup and join me in the corner. my imaginary friends will keep iss safe. but they leave me when times get rough. I’m not looking for someone to have just someone to understand me. tell me I’m perfect so i don’t have to wonder anymore. overdose with me til you can’t see clear and i promise to pull you back if you just hold my hand for eternity. we can die for each other because we have nothing, I want to take you on a journey you will never forget. Its my secret place where secrets stay. Stay with me until the darkness ends, so we can enjoy this Beautiful Nightmare til its very end.

I have to worry about myself

Sat, 02 Mar 2013 15:04:00 -0500

I’m sure my friend feels the same way. She probably has a lot going on and just needs to focus on herself. Although it hurts to know that my best friend has to contemplate her relationship with me weather she wants me in her life or not, that really upsets me. BUT hey that whole argument she never asked me how I feel or why I was upset.

I never told her why because I was trying to see why she was upset. Maybe its time for me to start fixing myself because obviously no one else truly cares to ask me about myself.

I don’t want to stop caring, but I don’t want to feel the disappointment and She probably doesn’t even think that she said anything hurtful. I’m quite positive I’m done. Yes, its been on my mind, but I’m tired of making the initiative to talk and sort things out.

I mean yes I’m losing a friend, but maybe she wasn’t meant to be there. Idk. I’ll just let this play out how the Lord wants it too.

They always say you are lucky to just have ONE true friend.

There is no right response

Sat, 02 Mar 2013 00:49:50 -0500

What if it’s not OK

What if I don’t want to hear I know you can do it

What If It doesn’t matter what I hear, I will feel all the same. No one can say anything because my mind already has a dispute (its trained) and nothing anyone says makes a difference.

So I have to retrain my brain (easier said than done) I have a Long Long Road :-)

No One knows unless you tell them

Sat, 02 Mar 2013 00:12:00 -0500

I feel like I have trapped myself into this person that people expect me to be.

I have recently noticed a change in myself I guess for the better. I guess lol. So after a lot of research, self interventions, talking to friends, and praying. I have came to the conclusion that I needed help. Now that by far is a very huge thing for me to admit. That I need help. That the person who tries to fix everything and everyone needs help. Ahhhh for anyone who knows me, knows that is hard for me to say.

In order for me to get help I have talked to a school counselor. I found out that I really have a lot of unresolved issues. Issues that as I grow older weigh a lot on who I become and who I am. We talked about my childhood, which I thought was irrelevant, but she stumbled across something that I have tried to suppress and I have been very good at it. we talked about my parents and their relationship with each other. My parents used to fight a lot and not like arguments and then make up. Like fighting each other full on brawl, fist fights. They never talked about anything and they never addressed the problem to me. They simply just left it and acted as if it never happened so I did the same. When I brought it up in counseling she noticed that it was hard for me to talk about and I had no idea why it was so hard. I never knew me being 21 years old this was still relevant in my life. I still remember the fights though so vividly. One time there was a gun involved and one time or a couple of times I threaten to call the police on them. My mom came from an abusive household so it never dawned on me that maybe its natural to her to fight and argue.I want to be the change I don’t want to fight my husband or wife. I want to be able to express myself through my words not by violent actions. I don’t want my kids to have to go though that. I want to change that.

Expressing myself is really really hard. Its like pulling a tooth out from the root without nova cane. Now people may think I express myself, but if they pay very close attention I really don’t I usually try to get others to express themselves (fixer).

Well today, March 1, 2013 something happened with my college friends we got in a huge argument and after I calmed down, I realized that mainly the argument was probably my fault because I don’t know how to express my emotions and tell people how I feel. So because of this my friends aren’t talking and are re thinking our friendship with each other and I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m trying to express myself, but maybe its too late and I already messed up. I can’t move any faster. ITS HARD and Lord knows at this stage in my life I need everyone who is willing to help, I already feel so alone.

Since I’m bad at expressing myself, At least one of my friends try to express my feelings for me and its not right. I know they are just trying to look out for me, but I need to speak for myself. Because when people try to speak for me they go off of how they see me act and not how I FEEL. SO the only way to convey it to the person clearly is if I do it myself. BUT, as my counselor says, “there is always a BUT or IDK with you.” when I do express myself people take it the wrong way and I just honestly don’t know how to go about it. Like in my head it sounds right like I mean it with my heart, but when it comes out it sounds so foreign and people end up getting offended or mad, which is pointless because I just made someone mad and I HATE THAT (ANOTHER underlying issue). I know how to express my emotions to people I don’t care about, but when I do care about people I feel like I can’t be myself because of (ANOTHER underlying issue ) I have no clue how to explain it. You know how everyone has that go to person whether its your mom, friend, boyfriend, or whomever. Everyone always has God to count on. He is always there, but asides from God I truly have no one I express myself to truly and honestly and that is NO ONE fault, but my own. I have people who are there for me I’m just no used to being vulnerable, even though they are with me.

I have said all this to say, I hope this helps me with expressing myself because I need Change, I want to be happy again, I am tired of crying and suppressing my feelings with alcohol, drugs, or sleeping pills. I want my mind to finally be clear. I feel like its LIKE a TORNADO.

I have called on God and I know he won’t help me unless I help myself as well, that’s what he told me. He is ALWAYS THERE.

I have not been happy in a long time and now I think my past is falling down on me and so is my present and I DO NOT WANT THAT TO MESS UP my future. Plus my counselor said this is a good idea for me. But I just have too much to say (reason this is soo long).

For those who will read this. Please understand that this is a HUG step for me, don’t avoid talking to me about it, but don’t judge me for it or treat me as an example. I guess I can be, but I don’t like it. I express this to you in privacy.

Hopefully if I keep this up everything will be fixed and at some point I want all my CLOSE FRIENDS AND FAMILY to know how I feel, but I’m not ready for that yet, but I will be. I love my family and friends, but you all should know that. :-)

Nervous and scared.. OH MY